When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
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ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
one last job
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!