[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
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[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
“That’s what” – She
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter