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I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Pretty much. 🤣
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?