Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
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Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
lmfao
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.