I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
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Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot