Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
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Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
what could possibly go wrong?
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.