“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
You Might Also Like
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Time heals everything 🙂
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.