Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
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Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
opening twitter today
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”