Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
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I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Boom, boom, ching!
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
It be like that sometimes 😆
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting