What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
You Might Also Like
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
i baked you a cake
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.