Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
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Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
That’s easy for you to say
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime