i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
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Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.