ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
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What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.