Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
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Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
😂🤣😂🤣
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen