i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
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Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.