GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
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That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.