*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
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Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.