If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
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Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
this is the best day of my life
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Fries, not lies.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
sleeping beauty
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*