What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
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Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I already tried new things thanks.
So sick of all these stupid rules
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
How actors in movies eat their food
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural