My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
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How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?