Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
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Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
giddy up Office Depot
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.