I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
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Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.