Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
You Might Also Like
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Uh oh…
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.