Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
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Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath