[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
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Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
i think both sides are to blame here
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Velcrow
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.