*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
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*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
At Walmart during the holidays like..
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Not recommended for beginners.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*