“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
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I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.