DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
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Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?