Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
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Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
My blood type is coffee.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Yup
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.