waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
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Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”