“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
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[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.