YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
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So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Ugh but profoundly
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch