Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
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Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse