I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
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The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own