[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
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My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
man i love columbo
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.