Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
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my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out