I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
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girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.