Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
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Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.