I’d … I’d rather not.
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At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!