Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
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“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.