video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
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Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.