History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
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11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Oh my God.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
No way!
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.