Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
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If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
seems fine
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet