My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
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If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Oh. My. God.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it