Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
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I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.