I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
You Might Also Like
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.