I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
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If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Me trying to “trust the process”
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Best spoiler warning ever
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences