Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
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Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.