I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
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Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
😆this is so true
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Awwwww shit.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.