Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
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Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.